It has long been the opinion here that the real end of the Dynasty was the watering down of the Yankee brand - from the signing of Giambi, to the inception of YES and Yankeeography, the shamelessly hyped end and rebirth of The Stadium, on through the latest wave of free-agent signings.

Well everyone else is doing it, might you say. Maybe. But no other organization does it quite like the Yankees. Case in point: the branding of Yankees sod. That’s right, official Stadium grass (the very stuff the Pope wasn’t allowed to walk on) will soon be available to you at Home Depot for $7.50 per five square feet.

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If you happen to be in a nightclub and you are lucky enough to be on the receiving end of an elbow to the face from the great Bernie Williams, here is what to do: you simply face the legend and say, “Thank you Bernie. Thank you for your years as a great Yankee.” Then, if you can still walk, you discreetly get up and limp away. You don’t try and squeeze $300 from the guy. You don’t press charges and end up in the newspapers. You think about all the ways his very existence has enriched your life and you decide to take one for the team.

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A new book purports that in 2002, when Giambi was slumping, an angry Brian Cashman was overheard by an unnamed Yankee player, shouting,

“Jason, whatever you were taking in Oakland, get back on it. Please!”

But in an exclusive interview with the Bronx Cheer, Cashman vehemently refutes this claim: “No, that’s not what I said at all. What I really shouted was ‘Jason, whatever you might or might not be taking or have or have not taken in Oakland, if you were or were not taking it, please start or don’t start taking it again.” Cashman went on to say, “I really wish the author of this book would have contacted me. I would have gladly cleared the whole thing up.”

Well thanks for clearing it up for us Brian. Good job.

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So Roger was injecting ‘roids in a Yankee Stadium hot tub. In baseball’s holy cathedral! Is nothing sacred? What’s next? David Wells admits he once relieved himself in Monument Park? YouTube clips surfacing of Andy and Roger hitting the showers to the sounds of ‘Cotton Eyed Joe’? An A-Rod and Madonna threesome involving Bob Sheppard? It’s sick. Today’s players have no respect for the game. Why can’t we just go back to the good old days, when ballplayers discreetly drank and sexed and gambled their way to early graves without us ever hearing so much as a peep about it?

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Now that the hip is repaired, why stop there? Isn’t there something that Bomber Dollars can do with A-Rod’s fragile cranium? Can’t doctors isolate that part of his brain that makes him shout ‘ha!’ while rounding the bases? Can’t they make it so that October baseball feels like May up in there? Surely modern medicine can zap that part of his brain that goes haywire every time there are runners in scoring position. And while they are in there, why not make it so that Madonna appears as the washed-up, fifty-something pop star that every sane person but A-Rod knows her to be? We’ve all paid dearly for this Yankee team: tax dollars, $40 hot dogs, luxury box seats…. And we’ve come to expect the impossible from our performance-enhanced, pinstriped heroes. Isn’t it time we started asking the same from our medical professionals as well?

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